Nikki Glaser isn’t exactly known for political comedy. But when she finally landed as the guest host Jimmy Kimmel Live! On Thursday night, she quickly proved that she can’t be fried by anyone.
“I’m the ultimate guest host for summer,” stand-up comic and FBoy Bet said the host as she took the stage. “But luckily as a straight woman I’m used to coming last. Or not at all.”
Then, after sharing some “big Hollywood dirtbag news” about disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein, hoping he would “please fire Epstein,” Glazer launched into a “speed roast” of the country’s most powerful politicians.
It was an equal-opportunity roast, which included brutal takedowns of Democrats like Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi as well as Republicans like Donald Trump, Mike Pence and Mitch McConnell. But her punchlines about people on the MAGA side of the political spectrum definitely had a little extra edge. Below is a sampling of her best jokes.
On Donald Trump: “Well, at least now we know the answer to the question, what if a bloated factory-farm pig corpse can grab your cat?”
On Kamala Harris: “I have a theory that we haven’t seen much of the vice president lately because she’s put herself in jail. I think she missed the rush to put an innocent person in prison.
About Lindsey Graham: “Graham isn’t just his last name, it’s also how much meth he gives his son as a tip to sex workers.”
On Pete Buttigieg: “He just proved that just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re cool!”
On Matt Getz: “What a ladies man. What a boy’s man.” And then, “You’d think he’d have good hair to have good hair.”
On Ted Cruz: “Everything’s bigger in Texas, except your sad, damp penis.” And then, “Ted has obviously put on a few pounds over the years. But that’s what happens when you’re constantly eating… Trump’s ass.”
But Glaser reps her harsh humor. It was reserved for Marjorie Taylor Green (R-GA), which she said was “proof that the left and the right can really come together,” adding, “I mean, just look at her eyes.”
“She’s obviously anti-abortion,” Glaser added. “And unfortunately, so was her mother.”
And finally, Glazer admitted that Green had had a “rough week” after being sweated twice. “Which is terrible, and I’m so sorry that happened to you,” she said. “But I just want to say, it wouldn’t have happened to a stupid dog.”
For more, listen to Nikki Glaser The Last Laugh podcast.